Forget Me Not, A Dying Declaration

Recently I discovered a website that posted a handful of suicide notes from actual people who took their own lives. Sure the identifying details have been removed to make it quite difficult recognize who the person really was, but still it feels as if any one of those people could have been someone I used to know. Before each confession the website gives the marital status, gender, and age of each victim. In a few cases they provide a qualifying statement to aid the readers in understanding the extenuating circumstances.

For example:

Widowed female, age 52 (Her husband died three months before.)

The notes are confessions, rants, hysteria personified, and downright tragic. One especially eerie one comes from a thirteen year old male and simple says: I know what I am doing. Annette found out. Ask Cara. I love you all.

Heartrending.

Some people spoke of leaving this life in pursuit of something better. That somehow along this life’s path something went wrong and they were unable to come back to the feeling of wanting to be alive. Their life had lost all its purpose and the only comforting belief for them was the notion that they no longer had to suffer. One man mentioned Nirvana and how he wished to not exist on any plane of existence. The one cruel joke for him would be having to endure more than one lifetime no matter how separate and distinct they may be.

This unique window into some else’s psyche was difficult for me. I could sympathize with most of the writers. Some of these feelings I have felt myself throughout various stages of my life and others I could understand on a deep-seated level. The pain, the sadness, the need to escape is something we can all relate at one time or another.

I wish to offer up my own words not as my final thoughts on this world, but as a reminder of how I want to live and what I am living for.

Single female, age 24

My Dearest W,

I wish there were something I could give you in this time of despair that might ease your suffering. As per usual, all I have are my words. . .I hope they help.

As you know my life has been less than ideal. The falling out I had with my family all those years ago has emotionally stunted me and I as I feared has finally crippled me. Once I found you I knew you were the man I wanted to start my real family with. You taught me that real love is not conditional and best of all, I am worthy of it. I thank you. Despite my best efforts, I came up short on expanding our family. The miscarriage was only a small upset on my already tumultuous road of life I must have done something terrible in a past time that I am condemned to pay for in this one.

I want you to know you were the sun in my dark and illuminated my soul. I love you now and always. I know how hard this must be for you, but you have to go on. Take these last few years with you and find a new life knowing I will forever smile upon your achievements be they marriage or even children. I wish I could be there with you as you journey on, but my path has ended. Yours must go on. Make yourself happy.

If there is something after this life then I am there for better or worse. I will carry your memory with me throughout the infinity of space and time. You are and forever will be my soul mate. I miss you already.

Tell my old family I was happy with my new life with you and harbor no resentment or guilt about not repairing our failed relationship. Tell them to defeat their own demons and live happily the rest of their days. Impart upon them I was a good person and despite all our differences, they raised someone they could be proud of whether they could see it our not.

I want you to have my favorite stuffed animal from growing up, the one I told you about. She may be old and tattered, but she saw me through many tough times. Perhaps she can fill a void in your life and you can do the same for her. Since I left, she has been all alone. Tell her I am sorry, but I had to leave. . .I could not stand it anymore. Give her a good home, not one confined in a box. I know it’s weird, but she’s all I have of my former life and deserves salvation.

Also, I leave you all my worldly possessions and monetary worth. May they bring you some form of closure.

Be safe. Perhaps we shall meet again.

Reign on my magnanimous king. Reign on.

-Me

“Failing to fetch me at first, keep encouraged. Missing me one place, search another. I stop somewhere, waiting for you.

-Leaves of Grass, Walt Whitman